apples of gold in settings of silver

"For everything there is a season,
a time for every activity under heaven.
A time to be born and a time to die.
A time to plant and a time to harvest.
A time to kill and a time to heal.
A time to tear down and a time to rebuild.
A time to cry and a time to laugh.
A time to grieve and a time to dance.
A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
A time to search and a time to lose.
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
A time to tear and a time to mend.
A time to be quiet and a time to speak up.
A time to love and a time to hate.
A time for war and a time for peace.

What do people really get for all their hard work? I have thought about this in connection with the various kinds of work God has given people to do. God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end. So I concluded that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to enjoy themselves as long as they can. And people should eat and drink and enjoy the fruits of their labor, for these are gifts from God." (Ecclesiastes 3:1-13)

An old friend whom I haven't seen much in the last 5 years, upon observing me dropping some brown food on my pale clothes in the course of coffee and snacks, commented with amusement, "You haven't changed, Elaine."

That simple comment struck me with a sudden terror. I twitch even now, thinking about it. What an awful penance, to have lived 5 years and not fundamentally changed.

But of course, I have changed, in myriad ways, some fundamental, some superficial, even though I still knock things over in crowded shops, even though I still occasionally, accidentally, non-seriously injure people with my flailing elbow as I gesticulate, even though my white pants conceal yellow curry stains in the folded-up bottom hem. I have changed in ways that are not obvious even to myself, even when I face down a situation and handle it better, or just differently, than I would have even 2 years ago, I don't sit thunderstruck, realizing that I have changed, I am different now.

But the fact that I have changed gives me so much hope to face a new day. One of my greatest fears is to live a boring life. Another is the fear that I will be one of those obnoxious, irritating people who can't see the light and incur other people's condescension, irritation or ridicule as they crash, blind-bull-like, through life. Hmm. Knowing that I have changed so much in these 5 years, a somewhat short-but-long time, gives me hope.